Entrepreneurship exacerbated my anxiety.
The two primary reasons I wanted to leave my job were that I detested office politics and, more crucially, the amount of time I spent away from my kids.
It gave me so much anxiety. My mind was racing with ideas; what would happen to them? Would I even recognize them? What if they are harmed?
I had no notion if I could be an entrepreneur without the complete parental supervision of my children.
Regardless, you’d think that once I established a business that not only replaced my salary year after year but increased it (a fact that not even my brother would believe unless I showed him proof! ), the worry would have subsided.
Sadly, this was not the case.
My anxiety has intensified since becoming an entrepreneur. It resulted in me being “on” all of the time.
Unlike a 9-5 job, you can not just leave the workplace and return the next day. Hahaha hahaha…
One of the most difficult learning curves I encountered early in my career was that you might do all the “right” things with the wrong clientele and yet not make them happy (this is why they are the wrong clients).
I recall being jolted awake by messages from a customer in Australia (sent at her AM, which was my PM) and getting a tremendous dose of stress hormones, then lying awake all night feeling like I’d just spotted a tiger in the bush.
My anxiety peaked in early 2019 when I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to go to work (for a company I’d been endlessly passionate about and loved for years).
I recognized that if I didn’t get it right, my company would fail.
I made a hasty decision to begin working with a mentor to assist me to accomplish the adjustments in my business that I wanted (not thinking we’d have to deal with my extreme concern).
He was also the same mentor who told me to flat out that if I didn’t cure my anxiety, I’d never be able to go beyond my present level of achievement.
Meanwhile, I confused my anxiousness for the cause of my success (masked as “I-love-my-business-so-much-hustle”) (disguised as “I-love-my-business-so-much-hustle”).
Since then, I’ve grown increasingly conscious of the need to slow down to cultivate stillness, even when we don’t think it’s feasible.
While I can’t claim I’ve totally conquered it (or even begun some days), the business has pushed me to confront and address my anxiety, which, to be honest, has been with me my whole life. I simply didn’t recognize it.
As a youngster, I was a nervous wreck with so much social anxiety that I couldn’t even attend school. My mum had to make a special arrangement with the principal of the school to hold my hand and take me to class until I was in Grade 3.
I was still worried throughout my twenties, feeling socially out of place at university and always striving to fit in but never feeling like I did.
Then, in my mid-twenties, I clung to my first love—my ex-husband—who, regrettably, worsened my anxiety because we were both nervous.
My anxiety grew exponentially with the birth of my kid and the divorce. I was always a functioning member of society and didn’t have any “anxiety episodes” as we see in movies, so I assumed I didn’t.
I assumed it was typical. I enjoyed Woody Allen movies because I could always identify with his main characters, who usually spoke quickly and were always worried, which provided me with additional assurance that I was normal and that this was simply a part of who I am (wrong!).
Today, I am acutely conscious of how much anxiety has hampered me. While it has benefited me in certain ways to propel me ahead, it is also working against me.
I’m not sure whether I’d be an entrepreneur if I hadn’t had children, and I’m not sure if I’d have taken such a close look at my growth if it hadn’t been for entrepreneurship.
Entrepreneurship is an excellent self-development practice. Lately, I’ve been making an extra effort to look after myself:
I’ve joined a gym and have committed to attending spinning classes at least three times a week. I’m making time to see a reputable therapist. I’m making an effort to take vacations or time off that I wouldn’t have been able to justify in the past. I’m taking a closer look at the role of faith in my life and the conviction that everything will be OK no matter what.
I’ve enrolled in a fantastic program to help me overcome my negative self-talk and attitudes that keep me caught in unproductive loops and limiting beliefs. And I’m making steps to establish quieter in my life, such as beginning to meditate and using hypnotherapy and positive affirmations.
And I’m no longer as quick to check or reply to client messages (the benefit here is that if they have 24 hours to wait, clients will often figure out the answers on their own).
I’ve realized that, as much as I LOVE MY BUSINESS, I still need to take time off, and the never-stop-working me isn’t beneficial for anyone-including my clients.
I’m aware that this is a lengthy process that will take me years to perfect. But I’ve begun the process, and that’s all that matters.
Keep in mind what my mentor says: “Breath! It doesn’t matter what you decide since any option you make is the correct one. “
Doesn’t life have a way of figuring itself out in some manner?
Sarah, xo
